Doctors say it's okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door. Phyllis Diller More Quotes by Phyllis Diller More Quotes From Phyllis Diller My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. Phyllis Diller thanksgiving fun kids I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'? Phyllis Diller clothes doctors men The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours. We were not created by a deity. We created the deity in OUR image. Life began on this planet when the first amoeba split. Mankind will still be seeking God, not accepting that God is a spirit; can't see it, touch it, only feel it. It's called LOVE. Phyllis Diller wine space song Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. Phyllis Diller witty inspirational funny In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane. Phyllis Diller family insane years When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home. Phyllis Diller kissing home funny I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. Phyllis Diller family mom funny I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.' Phyllis Diller milk three food I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate. Phyllis Diller central-park inspirational night I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best. Phyllis Diller buddhism meditation philosophy What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. Phyllis Diller xmas christmas jobs I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead. Phyllis Diller phases three tables Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children. Phyllis Diller bottles advice children I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody. Phyllis Diller doctors baby world You know you're old when your walker has an airbag. Phyllis Diller airbags walkers knows Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in. Phyllis Diller appendix divorced husband Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. Phyllis Diller mom mother funny My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked. Phyllis Diller husband careers inspirational Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. Phyllis Diller anniversary birthday inspirational Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. Phyllis Diller funny-inspirational mom witty
