Everybody lies about sex. People lie during sex. If it weren't for lies, there'd be no sex. Jerry Seinfeld More Quotes by Jerry Seinfeld More Quotes From Jerry Seinfeld The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off, I’ve got the toe clippers right here. Jerry Seinfeld fighting war funny I think the answer is we all need a little help, and the coffee's a little help with everything — social, energy, don't know what to do next, don't know how to start my day, don't know how to get through this afternoon, don't know how to stay alert. We want to do a lot of stuff; we're not in great shape. We didn't get a good night's sleep. We're a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup. Jerry Seinfeld coffee good-night sleep Women go after doctors like men go after models. They want someone with knowledge of the body. We just want the body. Jerry Seinfeld doctors body men Life is truly a ride. We're all strapped in and no one can stop it. When the doctor slaps your behind, he's ripping your ticket and away you go. As you make each passage from youth to adulthood to maturity, sometimes you put your arms up and scream, sometimes you just hang on to that bar in front of you. But the ride is the thing. I think the most you can hope for at the end of life is that your hair's messed, you're out of breath, and you didn't throw up. Jerry Seinfeld doctors maturity thinking If aliens are watching us through telescopes, they're going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge? Jerry Seinfeld humorous dog funny There are more social skills required to talk one-on-one [than to an audience]. You don't have to be socially fluid to talk to two thousand people. Jerry Seinfeld skills two people Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it, it's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away. Jerry Seinfeld staring sun looks What is the story with the airport sinks, that they will not give us a twist-on twist-off human faucet. "Is it that too risky for the human population? We have to do the one-handed pain-in-the-ass Alcatraz-style faucets. "What is it they think we will do? Turn 'em all on full, run out into the parking lot, laughing, pushing each other into the bushes? Jerry Seinfeld pain running thinking I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? Jerry Seinfeld humor education people Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still can't get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to get our clothes clean? These guys can't even get the DETERGENT white! Jerry Seinfeld clothes white blue You don't even really need a place. But you feel like you're doing something. That is what coffee is. And that is one of the geniuses of the new coffee culture. Jerry Seinfeld coffee culture needs I was the best man at the wedding... If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him? Jerry Seinfeld wedding ifs men It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. Jerry Seinfeld humorous witty funny I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide. Jerry Seinfeld suicidal suicide house I love how you just make coffee and then somehow something gets done. Jerry Seinfeld coffee done I'm in the unfortunate position of having to consider other people's feelings Jerry Seinfeld unfortunate feelings people According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy. Jerry Seinfeld motivational funny death Every day when everybody would have lunch I would do TM [Transcendental Meditation] and then I would eat while I was working because I had missed lunch but that is how I survived the 9 years [of Seinfeld], it was that 20 minutes in the middle of the day would save me. Jerry Seinfeld lunch meditation years After you get a job and before you have to do it. Nothing beats that. Jerry Seinfeld work jobs funny I love advertising because I love lying. Jerry Seinfeld advertising lying
