Everybody lies about sex. People lie during sex. If it weren't for lies, there'd be no sex. Jerry Seinfeld More Quotes by Jerry Seinfeld More Quotes From Jerry Seinfeld They seal the subway change-booth guy up inside this thing with bullet-proof glass, closed in on all sides, it's like some kind of Houdini torture tank of doom. How do you breathe in there? It looks like if you put your hand over the change slot, you could suffocate him in thirty seconds. Jerry Seinfeld glasses funny hands It reminds me of like this pathetic friend that everybody had when they were a little kid who would let you borrow any of his stuff if you would just be his friend. That's what the library is. A government funded pathetic friend. Jerry Seinfeld government funny-friend kids Golf is the ultimate avoidance activity for the dysfunctional dad. A game so nonsensically difficult, so pointless, so irrationally time consuming, the word golf itself can only stand for ‘Get Out, Leave Family.’ Jerry Seinfeld dad games golf The peak of being a fan is a hotdog and a beer and a seat at the game. There's nothing above that. Nothing above it. Jerry Seinfeld fans games beer Our good time is sitting in a coffee shop with a newspaper, writing a line on the back of a napkin. That is the most fun comedians ever have Jerry Seinfeld coffee writing fun I have a nice bookshelf in my office, but not my house. I'm crass, but not that crass. Jerry Seinfeld nice office house Well, sometimes we do actually have to get up early, but a man will always trade sleep for sex. Jerry Seinfeld sleep men sex There's no way that moving in with your parents is a sign that your life is on track. Jerry Seinfeld track family moving With any kind of physical test, I don't know what it is, I always seem to get competitive. Remember when you were in school and they'd do those hearing tests? And you'd really be listening hard, you know? I wanted to do unbelievable on the hearing test. I wanted them to come over to me after and go, 'We think you may have something close to super-hearing. What you heard was a cotton ball touching a piece of felt. We're sending the results to Washington, we'd like you to meet the President.' Jerry Seinfeld touching school thinking Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me. Jerry Seinfeld impression bother years I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, 'Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye.' Jerry Seinfeld smell goodbye funny Surveys show that the #1 fear of Americans is public speaking. #2 is death. That means that at a funeral, the average American would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy. Jerry Seinfeld funeral average mean My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law. Jerry Seinfeld funny-relationship florida moving There's no downside to fame and people who whine about it make me sick. It's the greatest thing in the world. Jerry Seinfeld sick people world The Beatles created something that never trailed off. What a gift that was to their fans. If you're into the Beatles, you loved them from beginning to end. Jerry Seinfeld fans ends ifs I love the day date. No wine, no shower. Jerry Seinfeld showers wine So let me get this straight. You find yourself in the kitchen. You see an éclair in the receptacle... and you think to yourself: "What the hell, I'll just eat some trash." Jerry Seinfeld finding-yourself kitchen thinking Isn't it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, "Oh, man, I can't wait till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff." Jerry Seinfeld drink-milk baby men People on dates shouldn't even be allowed out in public. Jerry Seinfeld people Men want to make women happy. Jerry Seinfeld want men
