I bought a dog the other day. . . . I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. . . . "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. Steven Wright More Quotes by Steven Wright More Quotes From Steven Wright If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in? Steven Wright styrofoam humor funny I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered. Steven Wright success writing book Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts? Steven Wright building humor funny If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? Steven Wright humor writing funny A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. Steven Wright sarcastic life funny You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head. Steven Wright scare nice depression If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat Steven Wright humor vegetables funny It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself. Steven Wright killing first-time firsts They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right. Steven Wright microwaves humor funny For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. Steven Wright humor birthday funny I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. Steven Wright peace life funny I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side. Steven Wright visionaries humor funny Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. Steven Wright support culture people Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life. Steven Wright humor monday funny Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. You'd see a flock of birds come by, laughing hysterically! Steven Wright imagine bird laughing Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you? Steven Wright humor night funny All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand. Steven Wright humor funny believe Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "What for?" Steven Wright humor yesterday funny I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add. Steven Wright humor water funny I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there. Steven Wright humor house funny
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