I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...' Tim Vine More Quotes by Tim Vine More Quotes From Tim Vine Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust. Tim Vine hoover collecting dust Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds. Tim Vine tricks couple blow Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin. Tim Vine dad brother funny Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes. Tim Vine sore-eyes site eye So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.' Tim Vine humor tuesday funny So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red. Tim Vine chinese red ducks I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze. Tim Vine tanning olympics sun You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox. Tim Vine hunting humor funny So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.' Tim Vine humor games funny My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me." Tim Vine humor funny thinking I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself. Tim Vine humor trying funny If you compulsively pun you are called a paronomasiac. Tim Vine pun ifs I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button. Tim Vine lazy humor funny Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people. Tim Vine humor funny believe Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet. Tim Vine filing-cabinet humor funny Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels. Tim Vine car levels different So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!' Tim Vine oysters humor funny One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out Tim Vine butlers dishes I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum. Tim Vine coffee writing thinking I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down. Tim Vine glue reading book
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