I can always go back to waiting tables, but I won't be very good... by Mike Birbiglia

I can always go back to waiting tables, but I won't be very good at it. I'll never be good at it.

Mike Birbiglia

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I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every gir... by Mike Birbiglia

I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl I've ever dated.

girl littles thinking

Saturday night is perfect for writers because other people have "... by Mike Birbiglia

Saturday night is perfect for writers because other people have "plans.

perfect night people

I think if anything, the fact that it's popular right now makes me go: "Well, I guess I'm going to start doing something else then in the next few years." I dunno, it almost feels hackneyed at this point. To start a premise by saying, "I did this awkward thing." But then again, awkwardness and feeling alienated are always going to be a part of comedy. Alienation, I suppose, can't be hackneyed because it will always exist.

awkward feelings thinking

To succeed in comedy you ultimately have to put in the hours and get lucky - The amount of people who are able to break through is so small a fraction of the amount of people trying.

lucky trying people

Falling in love is a completely transcendent experience. It's lik... by Mike Birbiglia

Falling in love is a completely transcendent experience. It's like eating pizza-flavored ice cream

ice-cream falling-in-love love-is

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn... by Mike Birbiglia

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.

humor math funny

The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV co... by Mike Birbiglia

The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.

healthy tvs keys

Someone stole my wallet last week. The guy called me up and he was mad at me. He was like 'you gotta get your finances together. You got no cash, your credit cards are maxed out. You don't even have minutes on your calling card. I had to use my card to call you.'

mad humor funny

I love pizza so much, I would marry pizza, but it would just be an elaborate ploy to eat her whole family at the reception.

ploy reception whole-family

It was a hard name having growing up as a child. Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and "Faggot". Some were more clever than others.

clever funny children

Bears are simultaneously so graceful and so strong. Bears know who they are, but they often don’t know who you are, which is why they kill you.

humor strong funny

I went to the doctor, and they found something in my bladder. And whenever they find something, it's never anything good like, "We found something in your bladder AND IT'S SEASON TICKETS TO THE YANKEES!!"

yankees humor funny

When I was a kid I would write songs, little plays, and poetry in school. If you're an adult and you're a poet, it's all about love and pain, but if you're a kid it's, "Does anyone know a word that rhymes with shark?"

pain song funny

Everyone tries to get you to dance at clubs. They come up to you and say "You gotta dance! you gotta dance!" And then I dance, and they're like, "Not like that!"

humor trying funny

The one thing you're most reluctant to tell. That's where the com... by Mike Birbiglia

The one thing you're most reluctant to tell. That's where the comedy is.

reluctant one-thing comedy

I've read that Steven Wright's style was born out of genuine nerv... by Mike Birbiglia

I've read that Steven Wright's style was born out of genuine nervousness.

genuine born style

I never looked at my parents' marriage or really anyone who had been married more than 30 years and thought, 'I gotta get me some of that!'

parents-marriage parent years

Creepy people do the things that decent people want to do, but ha... by Mike Birbiglia

Creepy people do the things that decent people want to do, but have decided are not a great idea.

creepy people ideas

I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn't be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article "Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I'm So Drunk."

holiday humor funny

I don't drink a lot. My family calls me an old soul. And my frien... by Mike Birbiglia

I don't drink a lot. My family calls me an old soul. And my friends call me a pussy.

humor soul funny