I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got... by Mitch Hedberg

I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control.

Mitch Hedberg

Image Embed Code

Categorized in : Funny Humor Toothpaste

P.S. - This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and... by Mitch Hedberg

P.S. - This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.

alphabet ifs looks

I hate sandwiches at New York delis. Too much meat on the sandwich. It's like a cow with a cracker on either side. "Would you like anything else with the pastrami sandwich?" "Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other people!"

hate new-york funny

I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down and that made me angry 'cause I like loud music... so when he knocked on the wall, I'd mess with his head. I'd say Go around I cannot open the wall I dunno if you have a door on your side but over here there's nothin'. It's just flat.

your-side wall doors

I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, "I'm mailing those cookies to my friend." So I couldn't have one. You shouldn't make cookies untouchable.

girl humor funny

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

guy humor funny

I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

hungry shows want

I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.

oatmeal humor funny

Every time I walk by a spy shop, I think that I need to put some surveillance on somebody. Rick's been acting fishy! I need to buy a safe that looks like a Spray 'N Wash can. "Hey, Mitch, can I use the Spray 'N Wash?" "Yeah, if you want to spray your shirt with documents!"

humor funny thinking

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

let-it-go humor funny

If you're a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to hav... by Mitch Hedberg

If you're a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to have very good posture.

humor lakes funny

I would not want to be a mobile home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away - "Knock knock - Hi, would you go cut your grass and look that way for a half an hour?"

humor home funny

I had a Velcro wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction.

addiction humor funny

I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend, and I say something, he says, "What?" So I say it again, and he says, "What?" Really, it's just some insignificant stuff I'm saying, but now I'm yelling, "That tree is far away!"

yelling humor funny

If you are flammable and have legs, you are not blocking a fire e... by Mitch Hedberg

If you are flammable and have legs, you are not blocking a fire exit.

legs block fire

I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, but now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips.

humor home funny

I mumble a lot when im off stage, so a lot of times when im with a friend i'll say something and he'll be like what, and i'll say it again and he'll be like what, and i'll say it again and he'll still be like what, so now he's got me yellin. Man that tree is far away

far-away tree men

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted... by Mitch Hedberg

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.

gambling circles sitting

This one commercial said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were!

forget-everything humor funny

You know they call corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It's not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it "Mitch", but then re-attached it, and call it "Mitch-all-together".

cutting humor funny

If you boat a lot, you're known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don't want to ever be referred to as a 'boating enthusiast'. I hope they call me 'a guy who likes to boat'.

likes guy want