I graduated from college and went on one job interview and was laughing in my own head because I wouldn't hire me. Daniel Tosh More Quotes by Daniel Tosh More Quotes From Daniel Tosh If security guards aren't allowed to carry guns, I don't have to obey their made up rules. Daniel Tosh security-guardsgunmade I hope we find a cure for every major disease, because I'm tired of walking 5K. I'm pretty sure I don't have to sweat for cancer. I'll write a check. Daniel Tosh cancerwritingfunny I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida. Daniel Tosh floridafunnyschool I'll throw a globe at you! You ever been hit by the world?! Daniel Tosh globesworld Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching people that don't laugh make the people that do laugh feel shitty about themselves. Daniel Tosh laughinghandspeople Decorating the gym can't mask the fact that it smells like a mix between corsage and balls. Daniel Tosh smellballsfacts It’s the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central and they’ve been good to me. Daniel Tosh hbofunnypeople Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus. Daniel Tosh tebowminusjesus I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it. Daniel Tosh cuttingpersonalitylooks It's not that hard to climb a pole. All you need are powerful thighs and an empty soul. Daniel Tosh powerfulsoulneeds Bill Hicks is a huge influence. I love him. Daniel Tosh hicksi-love-himbills Here’s what I tell people now when they come to my shows: “First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least my economic package.” Daniel Tosh funnypeoplefirsts You know, you can only cram your beliefs down a young kid's throat for so long before he goes, "you know, the other side seems to be having a lot more fun." Daniel Tosh funlongkids Until I see proof of this reincarnation or cloning, I'm gonna live up this life. That was kinda the path I took. But I fulfilled my obligations. Daniel Tosh reincarnationcloningpath I have no real talents. If I could make a living at a normal job, I'm sure I would do that. Daniel Tosh normalrealjobs I guess it could be seen as a form of rebellion, but (my dad) is pretty supportive. He's knows I'm just an idiot, so I think that softens it a little bit. Daniel Tosh supportivedadthinking If you offer me a starring role in a movie, I have no interest. Daniel Tosh offersinterestroles Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world to stuff the ballot. Daniel Tosh votingstupidhot No touching... Cashmere is highly sensitive to the oil in poor people's fingers. Daniel Tosh oiltouchingpeople Germany's like Wisconsin, but with, like, a really bad past. Daniel Tosh wisconsingermanypast
