I have no fear of death, except I hate waiting for it. Doug Stanhope More Quotes by Doug Stanhope More Quotes From Doug Stanhope You're born absolutely free except for laws of nature, if you drink you get drunk, that's a law, if you get old you die, that's a law too; if you sit on a tack you will bleed from the ass, these are the only laws that you're born with. Doug Stanhope assdrunklaw All traditions are stupid unless you came up with it yourself. Doug Stanhope traditionstupiditystupid I believe that everyone should be treated as an individual. Women should be treated equally in the right to vote, sure. But if Im paying to see a comedy, then I just want to see whos funniest, with everyone treated equally. Doug Stanhope comedywantbelieve Abortion is green! I think its irrefutable, but people don't want to hear that. For most people, having children is an instinctual, natural desire and the last thing they want to do is believe that it has any detrimental side, or if they do believe it, they think it's different for them because they live in a gated community or whatever the reason. Doug Stanhope believechildrenthinking Democracy is the worst kind of government, I'm sorry. Would you still call yourself a Christian if they elected a new Jesus every four years? Doug Stanhope christiansorryjesus I used to be a partier, now I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging you. Doug Stanhope alcoholicsusedjudging I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job. Doug Stanhope humorjobsfunny Love is such an arbitrary thing. I love my mom. I love pancakes. Doug Stanhope arbitrarymomlove-is Before modern medicine, would pussies just generally rot up inside you and fall out of you like spoiled oysters on the sidewalk? Doug Stanhope oystersmedicinefall Charlie Chaplin said something to the effect that humor is an act of defiance, that we must laugh in the face of our helplessness in the forces of nature or go insane. And where is he now? Dead. Doug Stanhope insanefaceslaughing Right at the end of the big wall of vibrators, $29.95, big rubber fist. Thirty bucks! Just in time for mothers day. Doug Stanhope mothers-daywallfists Don't eat a mushroom stem and see colors, eat the whole bag and see GOD Doug Stanhope bagsmushroomscolor Statistical high Vegas odds probability is that nothing of any significance will ever happen to you in your entire boring life. Doug Stanhope vegasboringodds They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you'd have something to look forward to at this point. Doug Stanhope alcoholhumorfunny I couldn't possibly explain why the common person would be against something like that. It's all rooted in sexual hang-ups. The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society. I don't know why anyone would want to get married heterosexually, so why they'd be against homosexual marriage is flummoxing. I only use that word when I'm talking to someone from the British press. Doug Stanhope homosexual-marriagewould-betalking Pot is to narcotics what herpes is to social diseases; it doesn't count cos it's not really dangerous and it's too easy to get. Doug Stanhope diseaseeasypot When you come out of that pink ugly hole onto this planet you're nothing but a gooey shrieking wrinkled ball of weakness. Doug Stanhope uglyballsweakness If I have to be a monotheist, y'know pick one, I'm picking vodka, it goes well with everything, all occasions. Doug Stanhope vodkawellsalcohol The whole acting and Hollywood [thing], it's just work to me. Stand-up comedy ruins you so badly for doing television. I don't really need to be known anymore than I am. The slight sliver of fame I do have is hard to deal with. If I was actually well-known - I don't even know what to say to people who are at my show when I walk into the venue, much less having waitresses in diners asking for my autograph. Doug Stanhope ruinsactingpeople I have the kind of show that reminds you of your problems, and then I talk about other problems you didn't even know you had until tonight. Doug Stanhope tonightkindproblem
