I have no grand scheme. Dave Attell More Quotes by Dave Attell More Quotes From Dave Attell Why do they collect garbarge at 5am? Why? It's garbage. It's not going to go bad again. Dave Attell garbage There's a late-night scene in every town, and everyone has something going on, ... I've heard good stories about (Syracuse); this is a very good party town, a good drinking place. I definitely would like to come back and check it out further. Do some more research, as I call it. Dave Attell partydrinkingfunny I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something. Dave Attell humorwinningfunny I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so... I'm not kiddin! Dave Attell skiinggirltoday This one guy, the worst guy in the music. The Yanni man. You know Yanni? First of all, anyone who looks like a magician and doesn't do magic, I don't like. I don't even like magic, I hate it. But I love the word, "Ta-da"! I love that word! I don't get to say it, right? I never do any magic. You just can't go around walking, "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" The only time I can say it is when I do something really stupid or surprising. Like if I go out all night drinking and hitting strip clubs and I come home and I still got some money... "Ta-da!" I thought I was broke. Why does my jaw hurt? Dave Attell hatestupidhurt I'm a stand-up comic. Anything else I do besides that is a plus, but stand-up comedy is what I do, it's what I've been doing and it's what I'm going to keep doing. Dave Attell comicpluscomedy Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, "Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before." Dave Attell ejaculationhumorfunny Things have been invented because of alcohol. Like the taser, okay? Yeah! The morning after pill, okay? The reach-around. Judge Judy. What has pot given the world? Hackey sack? YEAH! Hilarious ring tones? OH GAH! Ultimate Frisbee Championships? It sucks to be a champion at a sport that can't get you laid. It's an unneeded skill like, I dunno, being the best banjo player. Or a squirter. Dave Attell morningsportsfunny So I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out. Dave Attell drunkhumorfunny Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind. Dave Attell laughterhumorfunny I feel like soundtrack music is almost like seeing the movie again, but with my ears. Dave Attell soundtracksmusic-isears I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend. Dave Attell girlfrienddiscoveryfunny I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading 'Ta-Da!' magazine; a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's a different story. Dave Attell humorreadingfunny Sometimes. I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous. I'm pretty low on the showbiz totem pole - I mean, I'm no Jon or Kate plus eight. I'm just a comic, not a baby factory. Dave Attell eightbabymean I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders. Dave Attell doctorsdrinkingorder You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about. Dave Attell humormotherfunny If I had a kid, I'd give him a name that would make everyone would want to say his name. I'd call him, Pizza-Pussy-Santa. I would! Cause everybody likes one of those things. Dave Attell humorfunnykids I don't mind a crowd's not laughing; it's the groans that slow down the show. Dave Attell crowdsmindlaughing Never drink alone, that's what they say. But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright? Dave Attell alrightwhat-ifdrink My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I'll tell you ladies: it's amazing. Dave Attell cousinbabyfunny
