I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge. Bill Engvall More Quotes by Bill Engvall More Quotes From Bill Engvall I was a dork hunter. That's hard to do. I fell out of a tree. Bill Engvall dork hunters tree You can't tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter! Bill Engvall scooters ass kissing Because we've become so ecologically minded now, they have developed a product called Rapidly Dissolving Toilet Paper. Just how rapidly are we talking? 'Cause I don't want to have to play Beat the Clock in the thicket. Bill Engvall causes play talking He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he's like "there's a golf shot. That's a golf shot." Well of course it's a golf shot; I just hit a golf ball. You don't see Gretzky skating around going "there's a hockey shot, that's a hockey shot." Bill Engvall humor golf funny Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger. Bill Engvall shirts hamburgers doe Welcome to my garage. This is where I go to get away from the Honey-Do list. Bill Engvall humor honey funny I'd love to be a woman for one day of my life... God... I would be drunk with power. Bill Engvall drunk one-day would-be If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up! Bill Engvall pants mother school My wife, trying to be helpful, goes to the grocery store and buys this stuff called soy bacon. Let me tell you something: I know soy beans are good for a lot of things. Let's stay out of the bacon market! It says It looks and tastes like real bacon! No it doesn't! It tastes like somebody bacon-flavored a turd, that's what it tastes like! Bill Engvall wife real trying My son is 12 now, and is really getting into girls. A lot. But the thing about twelve year old boys is that they don't possess what I like to call that ... discretionary gene yet. We were walking home from the ballfield the other day and there was a woman walking towards us who was ... gifted. I saw them, and I saw him see them. But she was too close for me to go, "Dude, shut up." She hadn't walked two feet behind us and he goes "God dang, did you see the SIZE of those things?" And all I could say was "Yeah, I did!" Bill Engvall girl humor funny I've never read a kayak manual, but I'm pretty sure page one says 'Use in water.' Bill Engvall pages use water Just when I think the human race has been lost to the "what about me" people. I see the best we have to offer helping others. Bill Engvall helping-others race thinking Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth. That would be awesome. Bill Engvall wake-up would-be men You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say "My Bad!". Bill Engvall humor house funny So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I'd feel if someone interrupted me. Bill Engvall sharks safe water I'm a California Angels fan because that's the first game my dad took me to see, and they stuck with me. Bill Engvall angels game me dad I hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that just say, 'I'm stupid.' Bill Engvall wear hate stupid people I was doing a bit that stupid people should be slapped. But the more I did it, the more I didn't like that connotation, the violence and all that. The more I thought about it, I thought they should just wear signs. And, man, it just took off. Bill Engvall man violence stupid people I don't do politics, I don't do religion, I don't do ethnic jokes. Bill Engvall ethnic jokes politics religion As my wife says, I'll never fully retire, but it'll start to slow down. I'll continue to do the local gigs or go to Las Vegas. But I won't be going out to Ohio to play an Indian casino anymore. Those will probably go by the wayside. Bill Engvall down never start wife
