I'm not a big birthday guy; I never have been. Lewis Black More Quotes by Lewis Black More Quotes From Lewis Black My favorite health club is the International House of Pancakes Lewis Black clubspancakeshouse In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants. Lewis Black humorfunnybelieve A republican stands up in congress and says 'I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA!!' and the democrat stands up after him and says 'AND I CAN MAKE IT SHITTIER!! Lewis Black humorfunnyideas You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned. Lewis Black porktoo-muchmouths I believe that summer is our time, a time for the people, and that no politician should be allowed to speak to us during the summer. They can start talking again after Labor Day. Lewis Black summertalkingbelieve Americans continue to rapidly homogenize ourselves into a neutered oblivion. For a country founded on the protection of the unique, we relish our sameness. Lewis Black protectionuniquecountry Can somebody explain to me why Pepsi and Coke advertise? Are we missing something? Seriously, everyone in this room has drank enough Pepsi and Coke in their lifetime they could piss it for a week. Lewis Black humormissingfunny The one thing I think we learned this year is that the Democrats and the Republicans are completely worthless. Lewis Black republicanyearsthinking I am angry that the Democrats don't have the ability to explain to Republicans that we should be able to feed people in this country, and that is not socialism. Lewis Black ablecountrypeople If you stop eating donutes you will live 3 years longer.It's just 3 more years that you want a donut. < . ) < . Lewis Black humorfunnyyears I don't know if watching Chaz Bono will turn your kids into transsexuals, but I'm pretty sure that letting them watch Keith Ablow will turn them into assholes Lewis Black keithwatcheskids It's a shame cars don't run on cognitive dissonance. Lewis Black carcognitive-dissonancerunning If there is hell, it was modeled after junior high school. Lewis Black junior-highjuniorsschool Valentine's Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone. Lewis Black funny-valentines-dayholidayspecial One of the most important things, especially when you're leaving school, is to realize you're going to be dealing with a lot of idiots. And a lot of those idiots are in charge of things, so if you're in an interview and you really want to tell the person off, don't do it. Lewis Black leavingimportantschool These people [the Christians] watched the Flintstones as if it were a documentary. Lewis Black christianpeoplereligion And I know this happens because I took economics, and I'd explain it to ya, but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye. Lewis Black humormorningfunny The worst thing about Halloween is, of course, candy corn. It's unbelievable to me. Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that's never been advertised. And there's a reason. All of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. And so, since nobody eats that stuff, every year there's a ton of it left over. Lewis Black halloweenamericayears North Korea is the country that the monkeys in the Wizard of Oz came from. Lewis Black humorfunnycountry Christians have created a holiday that has become a beast that cannot be fed. Christmas gets longer and longer and longer, and you don't care, do you? You just take more and more of the calendar for yourself. It's unbelievable. How long does it take you people to shop? It's beyond belief. It's insane. When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn't poking his ass into it. Lewis Black christmaschristianfunny
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