I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it. Steven Wright More Quotes by Steven Wright More Quotes From Steven Wright Is it possible to be totally partial? Steven Wright I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6. Steven Wright maps summer people Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have? Steven Wright money humor funny I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me. Steven Wright dream night watches Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together? Steven Wright humor together funny I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still. Steven Wright technology funny science Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. Steven Wright business clever funny The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me. Steven Wright humor waiting funny Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see. Steven Wright comedian stuff thinking You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time. Steven Wright humor time funny I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it. Steven Wright humor bird funny Sometimes I talk to myself in languages I'm unfamiliar with... just to screw with my subconscious. Steven Wright subconscious language sometimes When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go? Steven Wright humor doe funny Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Steven Wright interstate hawaii highways I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes. Steven Wright humor waiting funny I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11. Steven Wright i-havent-changed changed havens I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar. Steven Wright dollars humor funny Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em Steven Wright true-lies women ems If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into? Steven Wright scientist humor funny Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of? Steven Wright products humor funny
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