I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it. Steven Wright More Quotes by Steven Wright More Quotes From Steven Wright I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost. Steven Wright car science looks I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things. Steven Wright everyday-things hero talking I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine. Steven Wright humor mirrors funny I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars. Steven Wright car humor funny How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb? Steven Wright humor funny people Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route. Steven Wright routes drug may To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is. Steven Wright notes minutes song So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over. Steven Wright wings forget people Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances. Steven Wright criminals different years My secret to staying young... Having no sense of time. Steven Wright staying-young secret young I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost. Steven Wright my-imagination my-friends imagination I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control. Steven Wright remote-control humor funny If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Steven Wright barbie humor funny I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. Steven Wright humor funny fall I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads. Steven Wright tired humor funny I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all. Steven Wright dog funny moving My father was a small claims court jester. Steven Wright humor funny father I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring." Steven Wright girlfriend song funny I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds. Steven Wright humor trying funny All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes. Steven Wright humor night funny
