I've got a wife who never misses me. Her aim is perfect! Tommy Cooper More Quotes by Tommy Cooper More Quotes From Tommy Cooper I went window shopping today! I bought four windows. Tommy Cooper window-shopping humor funny I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure Tommy Cooper indecisive humor funny Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. Tommy Cooper humor drinking funny Two cannibals eating a clown. One asks the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?' Tommy Cooper taste doe two So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away." He said, "How can I help?" I said: "Break my arms." Tommy Cooper girl beautiful funny A dyslexic man walks into a bra. Tommy Cooper humor men funny A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms" Tommy Cooper humor men funny Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before. Tommy Cooper bullshit humor funny 'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.' Tommy Cooper humor home funny A policeman stopped me and said: Would you please blow into this bag, sir? I said: What for, officer? He said: My chips are too hot. Tommy Cooper humor blow funny And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.' Tommy Cooper humor funny people A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.' Tommy Cooper crazy silly funny A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." Tommy Cooper bars humor funny Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them. Tommy Cooper couple humor funny A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.' Tommy Cooper assistants dog funny I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter. Tommy Cooper violin humor funny I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days! Tommy Cooper whiskey scotch three He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books". Tommy Cooper humor funny book I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died." Tommy Cooper humor dog funny You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' Tommy Cooper motivation humorous funny
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