I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone. Rodney Dangerfield More Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield More Quotes From Rodney Dangerfield I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun! Rodney Dangerfield suicidal humor funny I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand. Rodney Dangerfield humor real funny My life is nothing but pressure. All pressure. This pressure is like a heaviness. It's always on top of me, this heaviness. It's always there since I'm a kid. Other people wake up in the morning, 'A new day! Ah, up and at 'em!' I wake up, the heaviness is waiting for me nice. Sometimes I even talk to it. I say [adopts cheerful voice] 'Hi, heaviness!' and the heaviness looks back at me, [in an ominous growl] 'Today you're gonna get it good. You'll be drinking early today.' Rodney Dangerfield nice drinking morning With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff. Rodney Dangerfield family running men My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias. Rodney Dangerfield scotch bird kids Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid. Rodney Dangerfield egypt dog funny It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass. Rodney Dangerfield marriage couple dog I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar! Rodney Dangerfield calendars humor funny Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me. Rodney Dangerfield getting-older guy sitting I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull. Rodney Dangerfield phones girl night I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice. I don't know if I'm coming or going. Rodney Dangerfield viagra juice drinking People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon . Rodney Dangerfield oil natural people I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...' Rodney Dangerfield suicidal humor funny My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away. Rodney Dangerfield baseball play father Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution. Rodney Dangerfield situation life-is funny I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them. Rodney Dangerfield dinner teeth wife I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it. Rodney Dangerfield real witty funny Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself. Rodney Dangerfield actors acting doe My mother had morning sickness after I was born. Rodney Dangerfield good-morning mother funny They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too? Rodney Dangerfield neighbor jerk self
