I won't mind dying if I can tell St. Peter a joke he hasn't heard. Red Skelton More Quotes by Red Skelton More Quotes From Red Skelton I know my limit. I just keep passing out before I reach it. Red Skelton cookinglimitsfood God's children and their happiness are my reasons for being. Red Skelton reasonhappinesschildren Our principles are the springs of our actions. Our actions, the springs of our happiness or misery. Too much care, therefore, cannot be taken in forming our principles. Red Skelton takenspringhappiness A fellow told me he was going to hang-glider school. He said, 'I've been going for three months. ' I said, 'How many successful jumps do you need to make before you graduate?' He said, 'All of them. ' Red Skelton threesuccessfulschool I'm nuts and I know it. But so long as I make 'em laugh, they ain't going to lock me up. Red Skelton nutslaughinglong We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas Red Skelton texasinspirationsleep She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair. Red Skelton humorbreadfunny Recipe for a happy marriage: My wife and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. Red Skelton wifeletting-gohands Heard about the young deaf boy who used sign language-One day he told his mother a dirty joke and she washed his hands out with soap Red Skelton inspirationmotherdirty I don't hate my enemies. After all, I made 'em. Red Skelton emshateenemy I just want to be known as a clown because to me, that's the height of my profession. It means you can do everything - sing, dance and, above all, make people laugh. Red Skelton laughingmeanpeople If I can make people smile, then I have served my purpose for God. Red Skelton purposeagepeople You know, last night it was so cold that my pillow and my sheets fought to see who got under the blankets first. Red Skelton lastsnightfirsts I have a sixth sense, but not the other five. If I wasn't making money, they'd put me away. Red Skelton sixth-sensefivemaking-money I'd have avoided some of the pain if I could. Anyone would. But I wouldn't have missed knowing any of the people-even the ones whose leaving hurt most. In fact, the only thing I'm sorry about is that I didn't meet one particular guy, a clown named Joe Skelton. You know, he sure picked the right profession. I mean, a clown's got it all. He never has to hold back: He can do as he pleases. The mouth and the eyes are painted on. So if you wanta cry, you can go right ahead. The make up won't smear. You'll still be smiling. . . . Red Skelton painhurtsorry Wouldn't it be a pity if someone said that is a prayer and that would be eliminated from schools, too? Red Skelton prayerwould-beschool You know how to tell when you're getting old? When your broad mind changes places with your narrow waist. Red Skelton agemindbirthday Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce Red Skelton divorceinspirationnumbers Exercise? I get it on the golf course. When I see my friends collapse, I run for the paramedics. Red Skelton exercisegolfrunning I get plenty of exercise carrying the coffins of my friends who exercise. Red Skelton coffinsexercisefriendship
