If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously. W. C. Fields More Quotes by W. C. Fields More Quotes From W. C. Fields Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive-right, left, and in the middle. W. C. Fields middle establishment giving I don't object to nine aces in one deck. But when a man lays down five aces in one hand... and besides, I know what I dealt him! W. C. Fields nine men hands Indeed, moderation is my middle name (though I do not often use it in signing legal documents) W. C. Fields humorous names funny The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive. W. C. Fields alive lucky men You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it. W. C. Fields trust alcohol water It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one's present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason W. C. Fields wine excellence drinking The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart. W. C. Fields cost-of-living alcohol drinking Scotch needs water like a fish needs a bicycle. W. C. Fields scotch water needs Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times. W. C. Fields alcohol done drinking I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol. W. C. Fields giving-up alcohol beer A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy. W. C. Fields intoxicated men needs If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot. W. C. Fields doe trying firsts Dentists, lawyers, doctors are all a bunch of thieving bastards. W. C. Fields dentist doctors lawyer In the ten years since I had run away from home...I had gone through more strange experiences than the average person crowds into a whole lifetime. W. C. Fields home running average Sex isn't necessary. You don't die without it, but you can die having it. W. C. Fields dies sex Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually. W. C. Fields knack moral people It is impossible to find twelve fair men in all the world. W. C. Fields twelve justice men I think of the church often. Not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew. W. C. Fields church long thinking A man who overindulges lives in a dream. He becomes conceited. He thinks the whole world revolves around him; and it usually does. W. C. Fields conceited dream men Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew. W. C. Fields saddest saws men
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