If security guards aren't allowed to carry guns, I don't have to obey their made up rules. Daniel Tosh More Quotes by Daniel Tosh More Quotes From Daniel Tosh I hope we find a cure for every major disease, because I'm tired of walking 5K. I'm pretty sure I don't have to sweat for cancer. I'll write a check. Daniel Tosh cancer writing funny I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida. Daniel Tosh florida funny school I'll throw a globe at you! You ever been hit by the world?! Daniel Tosh globes world Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching people that don't laugh make the people that do laugh feel shitty about themselves. Daniel Tosh laughing hands people Decorating the gym can't mask the fact that it smells like a mix between corsage and balls. Daniel Tosh smell balls facts It’s the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central and they’ve been good to me. Daniel Tosh hbo funny people Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus. Daniel Tosh tebow minus jesus I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it. Daniel Tosh cutting personality looks It's not that hard to climb a pole. All you need are powerful thighs and an empty soul. Daniel Tosh powerful soul needs Bill Hicks is a huge influence. I love him. Daniel Tosh hicks i-love-him bills Here’s what I tell people now when they come to my shows: “First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least my economic package.” Daniel Tosh funny people firsts You know, you can only cram your beliefs down a young kid's throat for so long before he goes, "you know, the other side seems to be having a lot more fun." Daniel Tosh fun long kids Until I see proof of this reincarnation or cloning, I'm gonna live up this life. That was kinda the path I took. But I fulfilled my obligations. Daniel Tosh reincarnation cloning path I graduated from college and went on one job interview and was laughing in my own head because I wouldn't hire me. Daniel Tosh college jobs laughing I have no real talents. If I could make a living at a normal job, I'm sure I would do that. Daniel Tosh normal real jobs I guess it could be seen as a form of rebellion, but (my dad) is pretty supportive. He's knows I'm just an idiot, so I think that softens it a little bit. Daniel Tosh supportive dad thinking If you offer me a starring role in a movie, I have no interest. Daniel Tosh offers interest roles Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world to stuff the ballot. Daniel Tosh voting stupid hot No touching... Cashmere is highly sensitive to the oil in poor people's fingers. Daniel Tosh oil touching people Germany's like Wisconsin, but with, like, a really bad past. Daniel Tosh wisconsin germany past
