If you are flammable and have legs, you are not blocking a fire exit. Mitch Hedberg More Quotes by Mitch Hedberg More Quotes From Mitch Hedberg My sister Wendy has a husband and two children, and they have a family photo on top of the VCR, where they're all looking slightly to the left. As though something is going on over there! I guess something happened over to the left that made everybody happy! Except my sister is cross-eyed, so she can't quite pull it off. One eye is right-on. Mitch Hedberg husbandfunnychildren I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs. Mitch Hedberg humorsoccerfunny Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having. Mitch Hedberg alcoholdiseasedrinking Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something. Mitch Hedberg humorfoodfunny I like Kinko's, because they're open 24 hours. If it's 5 am and I decide I need two of something, I'm covered! Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, and then I think, "Oh, yeah. Kinko's. No problem. That will not remain singular." Mitch Hedberg humornightfunny A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time. Mitch Hedberg humorlandfunny Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament! Mitch Hedberg comediansarcastichumorous My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set. Mitch Hedberg humordoefunny I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. Mitch Hedberg humorcaringfunny Xylophone is spelled with an X. That's wrong. It should be a Z up front. Next time you spell xylophone, use a Z. If someone says, "That's wrong!", you say, "No, it ain't." If you think that's wrong, then you need to have your head Z-rayed. Mitch Hedberg humorfunnythinking I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. Mitch Hedberg humormenfunny I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow anything. Hey, how about some celery? Plus, if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen. Mitch Hedberg humorantsfunny I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control. Mitch Hedberg toothpastehumorfunny This shirt is "dry-clean only"... Which means it's dirty. Mitch Hedberg humorouswittyfunny I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill. Mitch Hedberg humorfunnythinking If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!" Mitch Hedberg carhumorfunny I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people. Mitch Hedberg humorfunnypeople I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce. Mitch Hedberg vegashumorfunny I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But if the gas tank says "E", I get all cocky - "I've got this one, don't worry." So I get out the toolbox AKA wallet. Mitch Hedberg cockyhumorfunny Every book is a children's book if the kid can read! Mitch Hedberg funnybookchildren
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