If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. "Well, I w... by Mitch Hedberg

If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. "Well, I was lost, but now I live here!"

Mitch Hedberg

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Categorized in : Funny House Humor

I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide.

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It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

cocky humor funny

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me. by Mitch Hedberg

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

jokes comedy funny

If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.

humor would-be funny

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

shaving humor funny

My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! Darn! Seven. Not even close. I need more dice."

humor real funny

When you're in Hollywood and you're a comedian, everybody wants you to do other things. All right, you're a stand-up comedian, can you write us a script? That's not fair. That's like if I worked hard to become a cook, and I'm a really good cook, they'd say, "OK, you're a cook. Can you farm?"

humor writing funny

I read that MTV's Real World got 40,000 applications. That's amazing, such an even number. You would have thought it would be 40,008.

humor real funny

I had a box of Ritz crackers, and on the back of the box, they had all these suggestions for what to put on top of the Ritz. Try it with cheese. Try it with peanut butter. Come on, man, they're crackers, that's why I got them. I like crackers! I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates!

humor men funny

The only way I could get my old CD into stores is if I took one in and leave it. "Sir, you forgot this." "No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it."

cds humor funny

I made $3,000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they paid me in cash. That was a bad situation, because I bought ridiculous stuff. I bought a snake bite emergency kit. Then I said to my friends, "Don't even worry about snakes anymore". My friend stepped on a worm, and I said, "Lay down!"

humor brother funny

I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying "We don't have to fix anything."

humor home funny

A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage. by Mitch Hedberg

A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.

lollipop humor funny

My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.

humor giving funny

I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies. by Mitch Hedberg

I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.

humor funny two

A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag. by Mitch Hedberg

A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.

snakes humor funny

I hate turkeys. If you go to the grocery store, you start to get mad at turkeys. You see turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Somebody just needs to tell the turkeys, "Man, just be yourselves!" I already like you, little fella. I used to draw you. If you had a couple of fingers missing, you would draw a really messed-up turkey. That turkey was in an accident!

couple hate funny

I want to be a rebellious McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers... NOPE... by Mitch Hedberg

I want to be a rebellious McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers... NOPE... we got spaghetti!

rebellious mcdonalds want

My manager said, "Don't use liquor as a crutch!" I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.

humor use funny

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you ex... by Mitch Hedberg

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

humor football funny