It's hard to be happy for someone when you know deep down they'd kill you if they had the chance. Dane Cook More Quotes by Dane Cook More Quotes From Dane Cook I don't know if I could kill someone with a frozen turkey because that is a lot of evidence to eat .... unless I found a whole room of people who also wanted that person dead. Dane Cook turkeys people rooms Dear semi hot girl taking photos on a boat. It's not your boat so stop acting like you own it. You drive a used Civic. Dane Cook girl acting hot My real first job was delivering newspapers with I was 15. I would ride my bike around and chuck papers at people's houses. The thing that sucked is when I would go collecting everyone acted like they were not home. Totally sucked but because I could control the weather I showered trashcan size hail down on their homes until they were completely decimated. Dane Cook real home jobs I was not a silly kid or outgoing. In fact, I suffered from quite a bit of anxiety. I used to have panic attacks when I was a teenager, really incapacitating moments, because I had some Dane Cook teenager silly kids It's an incredible feeling falling in love someone who doesn't know you exist. Dane Cook incredibles falling-in-love feelings Text a guy you like right now, "I'm thinking about you." If he says, "mmm are you in bed?" Never speak to him again he's a lifelong moron. Dane Cook thinking-about-you bed guy I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny. Dane Cook get-better girlfriend thinking Created a word game to play with a person you're fighting with. Silent Treatment. Nothing happens until one of you quietly says, Hey, you hungry? Dane Cook fighting games play I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?' Dane Cook why-not snakes funny I was doing comedy in laundry mats in 1992, literally where I would bring a little gorilla amp and a lapel mike and just start performing. Dane Cook gorillas comedy littles I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin! Dane Cook muffins i-can I say God bless you... I don't say bless you... I'm not the Lord. I can't do that... Dane Cook god-bless-you i-can lord Nothing is a better icebreaker than a great joke. Dane Cook jokes When you don't have love, it's like there's a party going on, and everybody was invited, except for you. And you just happened to be walking by that house in the rain... Dane Cook party house rain I did stand-up comedy for seventeen years. I need to explore other things. Dane Cook comedy years needs I can do more than just stand-up comedy, and the only way I'll be able to show that is if I do it myself. Because nobody trusts that I can do it. Dane Cook comedy able way My mom and dad passed away from cancer. Within nine months, I lost both of my folks. Immediately after that, I had a horrible betrayal where my brother, who worked for me, stole a lot of my money. He's in jail now. Dane Cook betrayal mom brother When you're on a movie set and you are hopefully making a comedy, everyone's stifling their laughter. You're looking at the crew guys, hoping someone is making that face like, and not like, this is not working out, man. Dane Cook laughter work-out men When you hand someone a camera, why do they act like you just asked them to dissemble a bomb? They take it and they're like, 'What do I do ... I don't really ... ha-huh ...' Yeah, it's the button on the top right where it always is since the beginning of #*@! time! Dane Cook inspirational funny travel I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone, ... I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he's 50. Dane Cook boys funny kids
