My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe. Emo Philips More Quotes by Emo Philips More Quotes From Emo Philips Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!' Emo Philips humor grandfather funny When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter. Emo Philips party parent college I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him. Emo Philips gay humor funny I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks. Emo Philips running funny children There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?' Emo Philips theory-of-evolution compliment thinking I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, "I am a bulemic". Emo Philips drunk used night People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce. Emo Philips humor funny people The nicest present I ever got was an exploding suppository. Emo Philips exploding At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote. Emo Philips glasses humor funny My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid...and her nose was shot off by French soldiers. Emo Philips sexy girlfriend soldier I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one. Emo Philips saving-up republican saving I'm filthy stinking rich - well, two out of three ain't bad. Emo Philips three life two I'd be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I'd run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back. Emo Philips names running kids I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods. Emo Philips monotheism whole thinking My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often. Emo Philips love life funny I've been at stand-up 26 years now: After a while, you get as jaded as the proverbial gynecologist who no longer enjoys drugging and violating his patients. Emo Philips gynecologists patient years When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell. Emo Philips magic theory two I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy. Emo Philips dog animal thinking You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back. Emo Philips giver hate knows I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. Emo Philips humor life funny
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