Nobody can write better jokes putting me down than me. Garry Shandling More Quotes by Garry Shandling More Quotes From Garry Shandling I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know. 'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me just a little bit? Garry Shandling selfish girl thinking Nice guys finish first. If you don't know that, then you don't know where the finish line is. Garry Shandling guy nice positive My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me. Garry Shandling funny-friend love-you friendship I'm very loyal in a relationship. Any relationship. When I go out with my mom, I don't look at other moms and go, "I wonder what her macaroni and cheese tastes like." Garry Shandling loyalty mom looks I remember learning to drive on my dad's lap. Did you guys ever do that? He'd work the brakes. I'd work the wheel. Then I went to take the driver's test and sat on the examiner's lap. I failed the exam. But he still writes to me. That's the really nice part. Garry Shandling dad nice writing They should put expiration dates on clothing so we men will know when they go out of style. Garry Shandling style men funny I once made love for an hour and fifteen minutes, but it was the night the clocks are set ahead. Garry Shandling fifteen inspirational night After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?" And she said, "I don't think this was good for anybody." Garry Shandling girl humor funny Without comedy as a defense mechanism I wouldn't be able to survive. Garry Shandling able defense survival I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell Garry Shandling good-life mad humorous It's not the hair on your head that matters. It's the kind of hair you have inside. Garry Shandling kind matter hair I'm dating a homeless woman. It was easier talking her into staying over. Garry Shandling homeless dating talking When I'm not in a relationship, I shave one leg. That way, when I sleep, it feels like I'm with a woman. Garry Shandling legs sleep funny Women need to know that not all guys are going to hurt them the way that the guy did before they started dating me. I know guys I wouldn't go out with. Garry Shandling dating guy hurt I'm very loyal in relationships. Even when I go out with my mom I don't look at other moms. Garry Shandling mom relationship looks Was the Buddha married? His wife would say, "Are you just going to sit around like that all day?" Garry Shandling married marriage wife I don''t like this reality television, I have to be honest;I think real people should not be on television; It''s for special people like us, people who have trained and studied to appear to be real Garry Shandling special-people real thinking Oysters are supposed to enhance your sexual performance, but they don't work for me. Maybe I put them on too soon. Garry Shandling oysters performances In the year 2525, that song will be even less popular than when it first came out. Garry Shandling song inspirational years I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know. Garry Shandling single phones people
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