People ask me why I'm so hard on men. It's because they've gotten a really easy ride. And it's not that I think women should take over the world. But I do think it should be 50/50. Chelsea Handler More Quotes by Chelsea Handler More Quotes From Chelsea Handler I'm not that shallow, asshole. I don't need money. It's way more important for them to be good-looking. Chelsea Handler important way needs Sometimes, Chelsea, I wonder, how you get by from day to day. It's a good thing you're so voluptuous. Chelsea Handler funny-motivational wonder sometimes I had an abortion when I was 16. Because that's what I should have done. Otherwise I would now have a 20-year-old kid. Anyway, those are things that people shouldn't be dishonest about it. Chelsea Handler should-have kids years First of all, who cares if people hate you? There's always a guarantee that certain people will dislike you. There's never any guarantee that anyone will like you. So if anyone likes you at all, you've already won. Chelsea Handler guarantees-that hate fun I love people who have such passion for complete nonsense. Chelsea Handler nonsense passion people Don't choose the better guy, choose the guy that's gonna make you the better girl Chelsea Handler guy girl This women/ killer was a testament to my theory that the crazier you are, the more calories you burn. That's why psychos are always so skinny. Chelsea Handler psycho skinny killers Next to fat babies, midgets are my favorite things to hold. I love them so much, and I want to help them to do adult things like drive cars, Jet-Ski, and lip-synch. I’m in awe of their little limbs, their large craniums, and their medicine-ball asses. I love the little baby steps they take while shifting their weight from side to side, and the fact that when you knock one over accidentally, he flails like a turtle on its back that can’t get up right away. Chelsea Handler turtles medicine baby I had to sit down and explain to [her friend] that AA was for quitters Chelsea Handler quitter down-and I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself. Chelsea Handler humor want funny My whole life is reading tabloid magazines. It’s really sad, because that’s what my show is all about — what is going on with celebrities. So I have to know everything. Chelsea Handler tabloids magazines reading Paris Hilton is one of the hosts for Nicole Richie’s baby shower, and they’re serving sushi. Awesome, Paris—sushi, the one thing pregnant women are forbidden to eat. Thanks for the mercury. Chelsea Handler mercury paris baby Thanksgiving is coming. I wonder what the holiday will be like at Dog the Bounty Hunter’s house—obviously, they’ll have a turkey with all-white meat. Chelsea Handler turkeys holiday dog I love a stupid joke, something that doesn't make any sense. Chelsea Handler stupid-jokes jokes stupid The challenge is to keep it fresh. If you're talking about Britney Spears over and over, it's very hard to keep that interesting. Chelsea Handler challenges talking interesting It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself. Chelsea Handler this-life dream long No one tells me what to do -- in any capacity. Chelsea Handler capacity You just be honest about who you are, and if you dont end up with any friends, then good for you. Chelsea Handler honest humor funny I have been on a life-long search of how to stay in shape without putting any effort into it whatsoever. Chelsea Handler effort shapes long In a statement to the Associated Press earlier in the year, Jamie Lynn said she didn’t have a boyfriend. She said, ‘I’m keeping my options open.’ And by options, she meant legs. Chelsea Handler jamie legs years
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