Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil. Emo Philips More Quotes by Emo Philips More Quotes From Emo Philips Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long? Emo Philips madgunlong I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them. Emo Philips hiker I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse? Emo Philips corpsessurfingbody I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me. Emo Philips humorfunnynew-day I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me. Emo Philips girlhumorfunny I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won. Emo Philips wrestlingreality I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me. Emo Philips electricitycalmknow-how The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way. Emo Philips saidtelevisionway The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy. Emo Philips sleeplongsex My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something. Emo Philips emogirlfriendeye The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference. Emo Philips irsdifferencespaper I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint. Emo Philips catholichumorfunny I'm not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it? Emo Philips ifs I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy. Emo Philips gas-stationssuitsguy One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game. Emo Philips petgamesmen Isn't this a wonderful country? I was in Florida. I'm staying at a motel called the Three Palms. It's run by a middle-aged couple, one of whom is missing a hand. OK! That's what I thought, too! But they got upset when I asked. Emo Philips couplerunningcountry What is eternity? You're on the checkout line at a supermarket. There are seven people in front of you. They are all old. They all have two carts and coupons for every item. They are all paying by check. None of them have ID. It's the checkout girl's first day on the job. She doesn't speak any English. Take away fifteen minutes from that, and you begin to get an idea of what eternity is. Emo Philips girljobsideas How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. Emo Philips wittyinspirationalfunny When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage. Emo Philips bullyarmsschool Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!' Emo Philips humorgrandfatherfunny
