So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe. Dave Attell More Quotes by Dave Attell More Quotes From Dave Attell My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your dream? To pump up and open your mail? Dave Attell dreamdoorstwo Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school! Dave Attell humorfunnyschool There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you're looking in a window. I'll give you a hint: one of 'em is super illegal. Dave Attell humorgivingfunny Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away. Dave Attell cuddlinghumorfunny You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had? Dave Attell good-timesfunthinking Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape. Dave Attell growing-updadfunny You know what wakes me up? A tongue in the ass. There is no alarm clock on that one, you are up, you are shaking, you are in a karate stance.....the day has begun. Dave Attell asstonguealarms Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth. Dave Attell crystalsteethhelping It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the presidents on it. Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with all the presidents staring at you? And when the water hits them it looks like they're crying. Dave Attell presidenttryingwater If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book. Dave Attell drunkphonesbook What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin. Dave Attell humorriversfunny Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? "Damn I got to get the hell out of here!" "What was I thinking!" Dave Attell humorfunnysex The more Discovery Channel you watch, the less chance you have of ever meeting a woman. Because it fills your head with odd facts that can come out at any moment. "Hello. Did you know Hitler was ticklish? That sea otters have four nipples? Wait - don't run away!" Dave Attell runningdiscoveryfunny Friends are important, dontcha think? Hmmm? I think so. The way I see it, you got friends, and you got your best friend, big difference. To me, a friend's a guy who will help you move. A best friend's a guy who will help you move a body. That's how I look at it. Dave Attell differencesmovingthinking You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants. Dave Attell humormenfunny I'm very romantic when I masturbate. Sometimes I light a candle...then I try and shoot it out. It's like a carnival. Dave Attell lighttryingsometimes Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas. Dave Attell humorrelationshipfunny You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. "Land mine '69." You see a guy with one arm, he's got a story, too. "Snow blower, bottle of whiskey." You see a guy with one tooth, what would the story be? "Well, uh, I like a lot of taffy." Dave Attell humorlandfunny I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that's not what I said! Dave Attell girlfriendsaidsometimes The voice in my head has a stutter, and that's really annoying. D-D-D-Dave Dave. What? K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa... Write it down! Dave Attell voiceparentwriting
