The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board. Dennis Miller More Quotes by Dennis Miller More Quotes From Dennis Miller We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head. Dennis Miller important sweet needs Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time. Dennis Miller humor letting-go funny Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash? Dennis Miller humor funny ideas I rant, therefore I am Dennis Miller witty life funny A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to 35 and your job still requires you wear a nametag, you've probably made a serious vocational error. Dennis Miller funny-work errors jobs If Bill Gates is worth $30 billion then a good haircut must cost $31 billion Dennis Miller billions bills cost Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair? Dennis Miller cost doe hair And finally, and most importantly, the next time we go to war, don't give a specific reason for the war that the left can seize upon and later flog us with it ad nauseam, just do it. Remember, the first rule of Fight Club is that you don't talk about Fight Club. Dennis Miller humor war funny I think abortion's wrong, but it's none of my business to tell somebody what's wrong, he said. So I'm pro-choice. I want to keep my nose out of other people's personal business. I guess I fall into conservative when it comes to protecting the United States in a world where a lot of people hate the United States. Dennis Miller hate fall thinking You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven. Dennis Miller humor use funny Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand. Dennis Miller redneck humor funny And I've always been paranoid. I can remember as a baby my mother would spin the mobile above my head and thinking..."yeah, that's coming down." Dennis Miller mother baby thinking It's wrong to discriminate based on skin color when there are so many other reasons not to like someone. Dennis Miller skin-color color skins If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem. Dennis Miller terrorism politics problem Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time. Dennis Miller humor atheist funny A lot of people voting for Pat Buchanan say they are doing so to send a message. Apparently that message is, 'Hey, look at me, I'm an idiot.' Dennis Miller voting people looks To me, nature always appears more unbalanced than Gary Busey with a clogged Eustachian tube. Dennis Miller tubes unbalanced gary The ACLU spent this entire holiday season protesting public displays of the nativity scene. Yeah, that's the problem with America right now: Public displays of Christ's birth, that's the problem. It's unbelievable to me. The ACLU will no longer fight for your right to put up a nativity scene, but they'll fight for the right of the local freak who wants to stumble onto the scene and have sex with one of the sheep. Dennis Miller holiday fighting sex In the late twentieth century, staying sober has become just as much an addiction as getting wasted. Dennis Miller sober addiction century I think we have to help the helpless. The clueless? I don't give a rat's ass about the clueless. Dennis Miller clueless giving thinking
