To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it. George Carlin More Quotes by George Carlin More Quotes From George Carlin I have a suggestion that I think would help fight serious crime. Signs. There are lots of signs for minor infractions: No Smoking, Stay Off the Grass, Keep Out, and they seem to work fairly well. I think we should also have signs for major crimes: Murder Strictly Prohibited, NO Raping People, Thank You for Not Kidnapping Anyone. It's certainly worth a try. I'm convinced Watergate would never have happened if there had just been a sign in the Oval Office that said, Malfeasance of Office Is Strictly Against the Law, or Thank You for Not Undermining the Constitution. George Carlin fightinghumorthinking I don't really identify with America, I don't really feel like an American or part of the American experience, and I don't really feel like a member of the human race, to tell you the truth. I know I am, but I really don't. All the definitions are there, but I don't really feel a part of it. I think I have found a detached point of view, an ideal emotional detachment from the American experience and culture and the human experience and culture and human choices. George Carlin emotionalamericathinking Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? George Carlin shrinksrainsheep The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions. George Carlin humorphilosophyfunny Everybody in America is a part of this big herd of cattle being led to the marketplace, not to be sold, which is usual with cattle, but to do the buying. And everyone is branded. George Carlin buyingusualamerica The seven dwarfs were each on different little trips. Happy was into grass and grass alone. Happy, that's all he did. Sleepy was into reds. Grumpy, too much speed. Sneezy was a full blown coke freak. Doc was a connection. Dopey was into everything. Any old orifice will do for Dopey. He's always got his arm out and his leg up. And then, the one we always forget, because he was Bashful. Bashful didn't use drugs. He was paranoid on his own. Didn't need any help on that ladder. George Carlin cokedrugtoo-much All music is the blues. All of it. George Carlin music-is If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire. George Carlin sarcasmsarcasticfire People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: 'I'm such a klutz!' But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver. George Carlin sarcasmmathfunny I don't have any beliefs or allegiances. I don't believe in this country, I don't believe in religion, or a god, and I don't believe in all these man-made institutional ideas. George Carlin menbelievecountry There's this man who lives in the sky, and he has ten things he doesn't want you to do, and you'll burn for a long time if you do them. But he loves you. George Carlin love-youskymen The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity. George Carlin sarcasticwittyfunny [On School Uniforms] Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now they have to make them look alike too? It's not a new idea, either. I first saw it in old newsreels from the 1930s, but it was hard to understand because the narration was in German. George Carlin kidsschoolthinking I've set my own rules to live by. The first one is: 'Never believe ANYthing the government says.' George Carlin rules-to-live-bygovernmentbelieve It is impossible for an abortion clinic to have a waiting list of more than nine months. George Carlin abortionninewaiting I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? George Carlin sarcasticmotherfunny If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely? George Carlin funny-but-truepersonsdeath Dogs and cats get put to sleep; hogs and cows get slaughtered. George Carlin catdogsleep You know what they want? They want obedient workers. Obedient workers, people who are just smart enough to run the machines and do the paperwork. And just dumb enough to passively accept all these increasingly shittier jobs with the lower pay, the longer hours, the reduced benefits, the end of overtime and vanishing pension that disappears the minute you go to collect it. And now they're coming for your Social Security money. They want your f**kin' retirement money. They want it back so they can give it to their criminal friends on Wall Street. George Carlin runningretirementjobs I don't understand why prostitution is illegal, Selling is legal, f***ing is legal. So why isn't it legal to sell f***ing? Why should it be illegal to sell something that's legal to give away? George Carlin sellinghumorousgiving
