Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food? Steven Wright More Quotes by Steven Wright More Quotes From Steven Wright When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel. Steven Wright mind trying looks In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said 'cut it out' Steven Wright humor home funny Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night. Steven Wright hate funny fall I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be. Steven Wright grateful careers imagination If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? Steven Wright humor summer funny Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand? Steven Wright thirds watches hands I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it. Steven Wright kindness food moving I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing. Steven Wright shadow humor funny If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet? Steven Wright ice swim inspirational Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? Steven Wright comedy coffee break I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. Steven Wright humor funny moving I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. Steven Wright humor business funny I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small! Steven Wright gardening ants funny I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. Steven Wright humor work funny I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy. Steven Wright drawing guitar art Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate? Steven Wright chickens humor funny I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it." Steven Wright phones humor funny Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen. Steven Wright ocean humor funny I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. Steven Wright territory humor lost Sometimes I... No, I don't. Steven Wright humor sometimes funny
