Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food? Steven Wright More Quotes by Steven Wright More Quotes From Steven Wright They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic. Steven Wright traffic should helping Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut? Steven Wright humor healing funny Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears. Steven Wright phones ears looks Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse? Steven Wright humor funny people What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants? Steven Wright plant animal It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused. Steven Wright confused confusion bird I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me. Steven Wright lines shy trying I like to reminisce with people I don't know. Steven Wright humor funny people Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home. Steven Wright nice home children I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it. Steven Wright cooking humor food The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. Steven Wright humor bread funny If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? Steven Wright zero humor funny I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. Steven Wright suicide funny death I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it. Steven Wright zebras turns reading The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, 'Tell me about some of the people who were here last year. Steven Wright information people years If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you. Steven Wright succeed funny firsts If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen? Steven Wright humor light funny Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. Steven Wright gambling night people Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives? Steven Wright half-life cat half Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? Steven Wright humor song funny
