Quotes by Humor I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison. Bill Engvall girl humor funny I might have tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn't know it 'till he hit the ground. Oh, he flew off that tower, hollering at his buddies. "Whoo, check me out, dudes! Oh, that ground is coming up..." WHAM! And what do you say, if you're the operator of that ride, to the next guy in line? "All right dude, you're up." Bill Engvall jumping humor funny That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men Bill Engvall humor men funny No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there's Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum. Bill Engvall uncles humor funny Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button. Bill Engvall humor morning funny As we're staggering out of the hospital, I don't remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed "Hey! I'd better not see this on YouTube!" Bill Engvall humor funny rooms I thought "RV" stood for "Recreational Vehicle." No! It stands for "Ruins Vacations." Bill Engvall vacation humor funny He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he's like "there's a golf shot. That's a golf shot." Well of course it's a golf shot; I just hit a golf ball. You don't see Gretzky skating around going "there's a hockey shot, that's a hockey shot." Bill Engvall humor golf funny I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge. Bill Engvall humor funny two Welcome to my garage. This is where I go to get away from the Honey-Do list. Bill Engvall humor honey funny My son is 12 now, and is really getting into girls. A lot. But the thing about twelve year old boys is that they don't possess what I like to call that ... discretionary gene yet. We were walking home from the ballfield the other day and there was a woman walking towards us who was ... gifted. I saw them, and I saw him see them. But she was too close for me to go, "Dude, shut up." She hadn't walked two feet behind us and he goes "God dang, did you see the SIZE of those things?" And all I could say was "Yeah, I did!" Bill Engvall girl humor funny You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say "My Bad!". Bill Engvall humor house funny in china when you're one in a million, there are 1300 people just like you Bill Gates humor funny people When two or more people agree on an issue, I form on the other side. Bill Hicks humor funny two We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free. Bill Hicks humor life funny People are bringing shotguns to UFO sightings in Fife, Alabama. I asked a guy, "Why do you bring a gun to a UFO sighting?" Guy said, "Way-ul, we didn' wanna be ab-duc-ted." If I lived in Fife, Alabama, I would be on my hands and knees every night praying for abduction. Bill Hicks humor night funny If you're so pro-life, do me a favour: don't lock arms and block medical clinics. If you're so pro-life, lock arms and block cemeteries. Bill Hicks block humor funny I ascribe to Mark Twain's theory that the last person who should be President is the one who wants it the most. The one who should be picked is the one who should be dragged kicking and screaming into the White House. Bill Hicks revolutionary-ideas humor funny Oh sorry, I was taking life seriously. Bill Hicks humor sorry funny I loved when Bush came out and said, 'We are losing the war against drugs.' You know what that implies? There's a war being fought, and the people on drugs are winning it. Bill Hicks humor war funny «1011121314151617181920»