And don't put a rose in my hand. Put a slim-jim in it. Send me to... by Bill Engvall

And don't put a rose in my hand. Put a slim-jim in it. Send me to heaven with a slim-jim!

Bill Engvall

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Categorized in : Hands Heaven Rose

I told my wife I'm afraid to go back to the doctor because I'm afraid they're going to look at you and say: 'ma'am, just sell him for parts. It's like that old car that as soon as you fix one thing, something else goes out on it.

doctors car wife

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. All right Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you. Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it.

hurt discovery animal

I thought "RV" stood for "Recreational Vehicle." No! It stands fo... by Bill Engvall

I thought "RV" stood for "Recreational Vehicle." No! It stands for "Ruins Vacations."

vacation humor funny

I was always the Class Clown and over time became very good at it. I started doing comedy on stage at the Dallas Comedy Corner where I honed my skills by watching guys like Garry Shandling, Robin Williams, Jay Lena and more.

guy skills class

You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the day.

getting-older bed thinking

Remember: Greed is a bad color on a person. by Bill Engvall

Remember: Greed is a bad color on a person.

greed color remember

I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don't wanna climb on that.

distance fun believe

I've come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid's parent/teacher conference. Number one: 'You're only responsible for the first $10,000 worth of damage.' Number two: 'We have medication for this.' And number three: 'It was more than an ounce and he was less than a hundred yards from the school.'

teacher funny kids

My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties...welcome to my world.

wife ties stupid

To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.

xmas writing song

I go "I just want a cup of black coffee." She goes "Do you want to try a biscotti? They're from Italy and they're considered a delicacy." Have you ever eaten one of these things? It tastes like a burned cookie. Where I'm from, that's considered a mistake.

coffee mistake funny

If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.

song heaven long

I believe that the way to a man's heart is not through his stomac... by Bill Engvall

I believe that the way to a man's heart is not through his stomach. It's a little further south.

heart men believe

You can't climb a tile wall. by Bill Engvall

You can't climb a tile wall.

tiles climbs wall

I swear to you, I am the cheapest drunk on the planet. It takes nothing to get me loopy and doing stupid stuff. Yeah. Some of you like that? Well... like riding an electric floor buffer for a shot of tequila. Did it!

riding drunk stupid

The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to y... by Bill Engvall

The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you.

people thinking

A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums. by Bill Engvall

A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums.

condom rubber

I believe pain is nature's way of saying, 'You're still alive, an... by Bill Engvall

I believe pain is nature's way of saying, 'You're still alive, and life sucks.'

life-sucks pain believe

I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people's heads.

invention iphone people

I was a dork hunter. That's hard to do. I fell out of a tree. by Bill Engvall

I was a dork hunter. That's hard to do. I fell out of a tree.

dork hunters tree