How can I have morning sickness when I don't get up till noon? Rita Rudner More Quotes by Rita Rudner More Quotes From Rita Rudner My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. Rita Rudner weddinglifefunny When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk. Rita Rudner humormenfunny Wives are people who think it's against the law not to answer the phone when it rings. Rita Rudner phoneslawthinking A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax. Rita Rudner warfunnycountry The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him Rita Rudner humormenfunny I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal. Rita Rudner dog-lovedoganimal ... life is broken down into these stages: you're born and you don't know how anything works; gradually you find out how everything works; technology evolves and slowly there are a few things you can't work; at the end, you don't know how anything works. Rita Rudner technologybrokenlife-is Women are more accommodating. If a woman drinks the last glass of apple juice in the refrigerator, she'll make more apple juice. If a man drinks the last glass of apple juice, he'll just put back the empty container. Rita Rudner applesglassesmen Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed. Rita Rudner humormenfunny There is a woman who swam around Manhattan, and I asked her, why? She said, it hadn't ever been done before. Well, she didn't have to do that. If she wanted to something no one had ever done before, all she had to do was vacuum my apartment. Rita Rudner manhattanvacuumsdone Individuality in dressing is not important to men. If they all look alike it means they haven't made a mistake. Rita Rudner mistakemenmean I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling. Rita Rudner jokesfeelingswriting Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?" Rita Rudner teamhumorfunny Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. Rita Rudner growing-upherofunny Human nature is largely something that has to be overcome. Rita Rudner human-naturehumansovercoming At the end of every year, I add up the time that I have spent on the phone on hold and subtract it from my age. I don't count that time as really living. I spend more and more time on hold each year. By the time I die, I'm going to be quite young. Rita Rudner phonesageyears Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers to attract men? Men don't like flowers. I have a great idea for a scent that will attract men - how about "New Car Interior"? Rita Rudner flowermenideas If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush. Rita Rudner husbandhumorfunny Eye contact is a method utilised by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Many women find it difficult to look a man directly in the eyes, not because of shyness, but because a woman's eyes are not located in her chest. Rita Rudner eyemenlooks Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano. Rita Rudner husbandfunnybook
