I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you wha... by Tim Vine

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

Tim Vine

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Categorized in : Lifetime Holiday Once In A Lifetime

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a cat... by Tim Vine

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

humor doors funny

Velcro: what a rip-off. by Tim Vine

Velcro: what a rip-off.

velcro rip

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet... by Tim Vine

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

humor today funny

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue.... by Tim Vine

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

humor men funny

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was... by Tim Vine

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

humor funny past

Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.

comedy style different

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They ga... by Tim Vine

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

restaurants humor funny

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

swimming humor funny

You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.

circles humor funny

If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.

one-liner narrative stories

I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.

rocks stars mean

As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.

able important writing

I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of th... by Tim Vine

I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.

chimneys house firsts

My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wra... by Tim Vine

My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped.

psychiatrist shrinks dvds

For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life. by Tim Vine

For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.

pun real-life real

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a f... by Tim Vine

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

humor trying funny

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it. by Tim Vine

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

humor doors funny

I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kr... by Tim Vine

I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.

humor names funny

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.

pieces humor funny

Black beauty - he's a dark horse. by Tim Vine

Black beauty - he's a dark horse.

horse dark beauty