If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope. Henny Youngman More Quotes by Henny Youngman More Quotes From Henny Youngman A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair? Henny Youngman husbandhomefall Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant! Henny Youngman humornightfunny The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do" asks the patient. The doctor says "I'm mad at my neighbor!". Henny Youngman clotheshumorfunny My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat. Henny Youngman wifelightweight-loss My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory. Henny Youngman educationteachermemories My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first! Henny Youngman familytimefunny Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it. Henny Youngman stupiditygodpeople A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!" Henny Youngman love-liferunningfunny A man goes to a barbershop and asks, How many ahead of me? Five. The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, How many ahead of me? Four. The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, How many ahead of me? Six. The man leaves, and the barber says to another, Follow that man! The man comes back and says, He goes to your house! Henny Youngman next-dayhousemen I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of. Henny Youngman familybrotherfunny Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. Henny Youngman anniversaryrelationshipfunny We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse. Henny Youngman funny-marriagemarrieddone Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means. Henny Youngman womenmarriagefunny A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started. Henny Youngman drunkdrinkingbeer I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. Henny Youngman wittymotivationalfunny A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away. The next day, the man says, Did you do what I told you to? Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house! Henny Youngman next-daynicemen My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him. Henny Youngman my-best-friendwifemissing It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer. Henny Youngman single-manmarriedmen I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.' Henny Youngman humorfoodfunny I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected. Henny Youngman political-jokesjokespolitical
