The important thing is to be drunk. Chelsea Handler More Quotes by Chelsea Handler More Quotes From Chelsea Handler I don't mean to be a racist but if you're going to get raped by a Japanese guy, it's not going to hurt at all. Chelsea Handler racism hurt mean I like to stay at home and sit on my ass. Chelsea Handler stay-at-home ass home You should never be mean to other girls. I don't care what grade you're in. Be nice to people until you're my age... and you have your own TV show. Chelsea Handler nice girl funny I think they should make Twilight closets and all the cast members can walk out of them. Chelsea Handler humor twilight funny Kristen Stewart always looks like she's posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle. Chelsea Handler uncles taken funny I know they don't recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers. Chelsea Handler hangover pregnancy funny That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time. Chelsea Handler humor funny america But then, like George Michael in a men's bathroom, I got cocky. Chelsea Handler cocky humor funny I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels. Chelsea Handler bagels skinny burgers Or people who have one baby and go buy a minivan... how big is your baby? Chelsea Handler bigs baby people Jessica Simpson attended boyfriend Tony Romo's football game. The Cowboys quarterback had the worst game of his career. It's a bad year for the name Simpson. Even O. J. is pissed - he feels like they're making his name look bad. Chelsea Handler cowboy football years Having a baby, it's like a five year commitment. Chelsea Handler baby commitment years Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construct a sawed-off shotgun. Evidently, he though we were headed to Iraq. Chelsea Handler airports iraq pockets I've never made love to a ghost but I have made love to men who are a few years away from becoming a ghost. Chelsea Handler becoming men years The only people I owe an apology to are my dead parents. Except my father because he's still alive. Chelsea Handler apology father people You don't mess with janitors, first of all, they have like 40 keys, and 1 is to a closet you don't want to be inside of. Chelsea Handler keys want firsts Maybe they should name more drugs cute things. I don't do meth, but maybe if they called meth 'Stefanie' I would! Chelsea Handler drug names cute My life and my legs have been an open book. Chelsea Handler legs open-book book Amy Winehouse's mother wrote an open letter to the News of the World newspaper telling Amy she's worried about her and to please call her. I doubt this is the best way to communicate with Amy - she should try spelling it out in lines of cocaine. Chelsea Handler doubt mother trying It's hard on an all-gay softball team because no one knows if they want to be a pitcher or a catcher. Chelsea Handler gay team softball
