My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill. Rodney Dangerfield More Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield More Quotes From Rodney Dangerfield I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster. Rodney Dangerfield girl food funny Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage. Rodney Dangerfield car lying My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind. Rodney Dangerfield girl blow sex At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't. Rodney Dangerfield fighting time men Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.' Rodney Dangerfield bartending zombie drinking When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back Rodney Dangerfield parent pay children After I got divorced, I said to myself, I will never, ever get married again. It was in cement. I went through a really rough twenty-five years, but it happened again. I fell in love. I told her, Baby, I don't want a prenuptial agreement. This is it. Everyone told me I was nuts. Well, my new wife and I are married six years and we get along great. You can make anything work if you're both givers. Rodney Dangerfield agreement baby years And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone! Rodney Dangerfield girlfriend humor funny I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees. Rodney Dangerfield girl waiting way School is a place were you go to eat your lunch Rodney Dangerfield lunch funny school I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me. Rodney Dangerfield writing happiness reality I was a poster child... for birth control! Rodney Dangerfield humor funny children We lived in a neighborhood that was too rich for us. When I was young, I had to deliver groceries to the homes of the kids I went to school with. I had to go to the back doors to make the deliveries. It was embarrassing. That was one thing out of a hundred. Rodney Dangerfield home kids school When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy! Rodney Dangerfield humor funny father My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another. Rodney Dangerfield childhood mother father Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something. Rodney Dangerfield dancer littles kids I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good. Rodney Dangerfield nineteen singing wife She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size). Rodney Dangerfield bed kings two When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something. Rodney Dangerfield prove cases beach At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me ! Rodney Dangerfield humor boys funny
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