Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used... by Dave Barry

Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it.

Dave Barry

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Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.

powerful witty reality

Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity? And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?

toasters doe world

Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege. by Dave Barry

Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

abuse stupid god

I realize that there are certain hardships that only females must endure, such as childbirth, waiting in lines for public-restroom stalls, and a crippling, psychotic obsession with shoe color. Also, females tend to reach emotional maturity very quickly, so that by age 7 they are no longer capable of seeing the humor in loud inadvertent public blasts of flatulence, whereas males can continue to derive vast enjoyment from this well into their 80s.

shoes maturity emotional

On Valentine's Day, millions of men give millions of women flowers, cards and candy as a heartfelt expression of the emotion that also motivates men to observe anniversaries and birthdays-fear.

valentine flower men

Albert Einstein, who discovered that a tiny amount of mass is equal to a huge amount of energy, which explains why, as Einstein himself so eloquently put it in a famous 1939 speech to the Physics Department at Princeton, 'You have to exercise for a week to work off the thigh fat from a single Snickers.'

snickers tiny exercise

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature. by Dave Barry

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.

teenage cute birthday

The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero, meaning “ability to,” and bics, meaning “withstand tremendous boredom.

sarcasm sarcastic fitness

Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said... by Dave Barry

Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said "CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT.

zero humorous funny

I become faint and nauseous during even very minor medical procedures, such as making an appointment by phone.

doctors medicine phones

It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta

irs income taxation

The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose," which is also sometimes called "grape sugar," and also because "Grape Nuts" is catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil Food and Gravel," which is what it tastes like.

sugar marketing nuts

I have always dressed according to certain Basic Guy Fashion Rules,including: Both of your socks should always be the same color, Or they should at least both be fairly dark.

fashion humor funny

Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.

christmas stars wise

Why can't Americans do their own taxes? Because the federal Tax Code is out of control, that's why. It's gigantic and insanely complex, and it gets worse all the time. Nobody has ever read the whole thing. IRS workers are afraid to go into the same ROOM with it.

irs taxes rooms

Technology is constantly improving our lives. Look at the cellular telephone. Just ten years ago, virtually nobody was able to get into a car crash caused by trying to steer and dial at the same time; today, people do this all the time.

technology people years

We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right in his bowl full of jelly.

holiday humorous giving

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

inspirational sports funny

People in the computer industry use the term 'user,' which to the... by Dave Barry

People in the computer industry use the term 'user,' which to them means 'idiot.'

use mean people

I was really bummed when I got to the last one of Tony Hillerman... by Dave Barry

I was really bummed when I got to the last one of Tony Hillerman Navajo detective books.

detectives lasts book