Quotes by Funny Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital. Anthony Jeselnik humor funny kids A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.' Anthony Jeselnik girlfriend couple funny We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting - they caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral. Anthony Jeselnik humor brother funny I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says. Anthony Jeselnik humor funny believe She got really mad a month ago, because she had e-mailed me a naked picture of herself - which is a nice thing to do - but then I messed up, and I accidentally forwarded that e-mail to both of my parents. Now, my girlfriend is furious, mortified, but I don't even care, 'cause now I have to call up my mother and say 'Mom, I am so sorry - that picture was just for dad.' Anthony Jeselnik mom mother funny My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces. Anthony Jeselnik girlfriend humor funny My great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she was committed suicide but the family knew she was just trying to stop civil rights. Anthony Jeselnik humor suicide funny My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf. Anthony Jeselnik humor mom funny Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it. Anthony Jeselnik glasses humor funny Members rise from CMG (known sometimes in Whitehall as 'Call Me God') to KCMG ('Kindly Call Me God') to .. the GCMG ('God Calls Me God'). Anthony Sampson humor sometimes funny Life is so unlike theory. Anthony Trollope literature life funny I just bought a Chihuahua. It's the dog for lazy people. You don't have to walk it. Just hold it out the window and squeeze. Anthony Ward Clark lazy-people dog funny The field of consciousness is tiny. It accepts only one problem at a time. Antoine de Saint-Exupery letting-go witty funny What a fine weather today! Can’t choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself. Anton Chekhov sarcastic humorous funny Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too. Anton Chekhov doctors humor funny He who desires nothing, hopes for nothing, and is afraid of nothing, cannot be an artist. Anton Chekhov sarcastic funny art The stupider the peasant, the better the horse understands him. Anton Chekhov horse stupidity funny If you cry ''Forward'' you must be sure to make clear the direction in which to go. Don't you see that if you fail to do that and simply call out the word to a monk and a revolutionary, they will go in precisely opposite directions? Anton Chekhov failure communication funny One lives in the hope of becoming a memory. Antonio Porchia inspirational love funny Situated in some nebulous distance I do what I do so that the universal balance of which I am a part may remain a balance. Antonio Porchia inspirational life funny «1415161718192021222324»
