Quotes by Funny When I appear in public, people expect me to neigh, grind my teeth, paw the ground and swish my tail - none of which is easy. Anne, Princess Royal humor funny people Ever consider what pets must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! Anne Tyler dog funny mean No one ever thought Clint Eastwood was funny, but he was. Annie Leibovitz funny I ain't afraid to love a man. I ain't afraid to shoot him either. Annie Oakley love men funny We only need to wear shoes because the British built roads which hurt our feet. Anthony Burgess shoes hurt funny Dogs are animals that poop in public and you're supposed to pick it up. After a week of doing this, you've got to ask yourself, "Who's the real master in this relationship?" Anthony Griffin real dog funny I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there. Anthony Jeselnik humor funny school When I finished high school, I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle. Anthony Jeselnik mom brother funny Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine. Anthony Jeselnik girl humor funny My mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with until, finally, a couple years ago, we had an intervention. And we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people, and then he made her watch "Schindler's List." And after that, my mom did a complete 180. Now she can't believe it only happened once. Anthony Jeselnik couple mom funny Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me. Anthony Jeselnik humor funny kids My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn't let me hold him, she refuses. She says, 'No way, Anthony, I'm afraid you're gonna drop him.' I'm 32 years old. Like I'm some kind of idiot. Like I don't have a million other ways to hurt that baby. Anthony Jeselnik cute baby funny My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend. Anthony Jeselnik girlfriend humor funny Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified. Anthony Jeselnik humor funny jesus I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look. Anthony Jeselnik humor funny looks I’m not a religious person; I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable. Anthony Jeselnik atheist religious funny My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down. Anthony Jeselnik dad funny father I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it. Anthony Jeselnik girlfriend humor funny Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer. Anthony Jeselnik cancer wall funny You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby. Anthony Jeselnik pain baby funny «1314151617181920212223»
