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Quotes by Funny

Avoid all needle drugs, the only dope worth shooting is Richard N... by Abbie Hoffman

Avoid all needle drugs, the only dope worth shooting is Richard Nixon.

Abbie Hoffman
dope political funny

Of course there's a lot of knowledge in universities: the freshmen bring a little in; the seniors don't take much away, so knowledge sort of accumulates.

Abbott Lawrence Lowell
cute graduation funny
True, a little learning is a dangerous thing, but it still beats... by Abigail Van Buren

True, a little learning is a dangerous thing, but it still beats total ignorance.

Abigail Van Buren
learning education funny
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out a... by Abraham Lincoln

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

Abraham Lincoln
sarcastic life funny
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a tim... by Abraham Lincoln

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Abraham Lincoln
inspirational life funny
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? by Abraham Lincoln

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Abraham Lincoln
powerful witty funny
Be excellent and party on dudes. by Abraham Lincoln

Be excellent and party on dudes.

Abraham Lincoln
party life funny
A jury too often has at least one member more ready to hang the p... by Abraham Lincoln

A jury too often has at least one member more ready to hang the panel than to hang the traitor.

Abraham Lincoln
humorous success funny

My Dear McClellan, if you don't want to use the army I should like to borrow it for a while. Yours respectfully.

Abraham Lincoln
humor war funny
When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival... by Adam Carolla

When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.

Adam Carolla
smell humor funny
You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microw... by Adam Carolla

You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.

Adam Carolla
six humor funny

Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can't just throw your hands up and enjoy it.

Adam Carolla
humor funny sex
Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Me... by Adam Carolla

Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes.

Adam Carolla
chance humor funny

If you're a guy, you have absolutely no idea what's going on at any time in the relationship, ever. Here's what you know: you know when you're getting laid, and you know when it's all over. Those are the only two things you're aware of.

Adam Carolla
humor funny ideas

That's an interesting philosophical question. When your boner goes away, is that one gone... forever?

Adam Carolla
philosophical humor funny
Figure out what to do, then take a nap. by Adam Carolla

Figure out what to do, then take a nap.

Adam Carolla
humor naps funny
I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none. by Adam Carolla

I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.

Adam Carolla
humor funny two
Mmm, tastes like hepatitis! by Adam Carolla

Mmm, tastes like hepatitis!

Adam Carolla
humor taste funny
If you are tuning in just for the show, you're going to be sorely... by Adam Carolla

If you are tuning in just for the show, you're going to be sorely disappointed.

Adam Carolla
tuning humor funny

I'm really just trying to hash out the next two weeks of my life. So, something that is potentially four months down the road is not just a mile down the road for me, it's a million miles down the road.

Adam Carolla
humor funny two
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